Escalator Challenged

Please know that if you are in front of me on an escalator and you get to the top (or bottom), step off, and come to a dead stop trying to decide where to go next, I have no choice but to slam into you. Because the magical stairs keep moving even when you stop. This means the people behind you (including me) have no place to go except into you. I'm not trying to be rude, I have no desire to push you, but you simply leave me no choice. If I don't push you, the people behind me will be forced to push me. I don't make up the laws of physics, this is just how the world works.

PS - same goes for revolving doors. PLEASE KEEP MOVING!

Urban Bicyclists

Not all of them. Just the ones that ride down the middle of the road, refusing to move to the right side of the street, where they belong. It's just such a passive-aggressive dick move. They know there's a line of cars behind them and they don't care. In fact, they're enjoying it, feeling all smug because they're on a bike and not a gas-guzzling car. And if you were to dare suggest they move over to the right, be prepared for a tidal wave of self-righteous "I have just as much a right to the road as you do" bullshit. News flash - you aren't a car. You aren't making me feel guilty for driving a car either. And here's a little bit of advice - should you hit a pothole or otherwise lose control of your bike and fall, the chances of me being able to stop in time to avoid squashing you like a bug on the windshield are probably slim. And since you aren't wearing a helmet (because 99% of the time the ones riding in the middle of the road don't), it's probably not going to be one of your better days. Or one of mine either, because even though I think you're a dick, I really don't want your broken body on my conscience. So do us both a favor and stop pretending a bike is the same as a car and move to the right. That is all.

This One Is For The Ladies

Three times in the last week I have entered a public restroom stall only to find the woman before me did not want her precious ass to touch the toilet seat. She did not, however, have any problem leaving pee all over the seat for my precious ass. Seriously woman, how big does that hole have to be? How big a target do you need? Are you standing on the seat? Are you even anywhere near the seat? There was so much pee, I honestly had to think it wasn't a mere accident, a case of weak thigh muscles, but an open act of hostility toward fellow women-kind. Or an animalistic need to "mark her territory".

In one instance, I only wish it had been pee. I'll spare you the details but it was startling. I saw the woman exit the stall, which I then entered. I stood there blinking in disbelief for about 2 seconds, then exited. She turned from washing her hands (thank God she was washing her hands) and her eyes locked on mine for a split second. She knew. She knew I knew that she'd left that mess behind. I wanted to say something. "You left poo on the seat?! Who does that?! Where are you from, who raised you to think that was in any way acceptable?!" This wasn't some hobo either, this was a very nicely dressed, middle-aged woman, in an upscale department store. Instead quickly broke eye contact and scurried out and I went into the next stall.

Look, I get it. I hate public restrooms too, but studies have shown there are probably more germs on that keyboard you're sitting in front of than the average public toilet seat (the exception being my fecal-leaving friend above. Unless you have poo on your keyboard, in which case ewwww!) So ladies, the next time you're shopping and nature calls, do me a favor and take a few moments have a seat, relax those shaky thigh muscles, you deserve it. Or for the love of God, at least clean up after yourself.

Why?

A place to unleash my inner evil twin and say all the stuff I usually keep bottled up inside because I'm really a very nice person.